Two years ago, my youngest son, Drake William Norup, passed away at the age of 24.
Reflecting on the past 24 months of grieving, searching for answers, and trying to make peace with what happened, I have slowly begun to realize how much his life has changed me in both subtle and profound ways.
It has made me a better husband, father, son, friend, CEO, leader, and ultimately a better human being.
I am very grateful for these lessons.
Please don’t get me wrong. While I appreciate the life lessons, I wish it had never happened. My son’s passing is the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. I would not wish the pain and torment that my family has been through upon my worst enemy.
I would do absolutely anything (and I mean ANYTHING) to have him still with us, but that is unfortunately not how life works. No matter how much I hate it, I know that he is gone and not coming back.
It is up to me to find a positive outcome. This article is one attempt.
To honor Drake and his legacy, and perhaps help others who might be facing similar challenges, I am sharing a few of the most impactful things I have learned so far.
Life is Unpredictable
As a child, Drake was a blond haired bundle of energy. Always sweet and kind-hearted, he was also very intelligent and athletic. By the end of his senior year of high school, he had been a four-year Varsity starter in both soccer and lacrosse, and was accepted by his top university choice, California Polytechnic, in San Luis Obispo.
Everything was going perfectly according to his plan. It felt like an exciting and fulfilling new life chapter was opening up before him.
We did not know what was happening when the early symptoms began to appear. It was confusing and scary for all of us, most especially for Drake. Everything that used to be so easy for him – things like school, or socializing, or even basic self-care – became difficult, if not impossible.
What we thought was a just a case of “senioritis” and wanting to party in college, was in fact early psychosis and his failed attempts at self-medicating to calm the uneasiness and chaos in his mind.
Sadly, it took several failed attempts at college, multiple arrests, and stays at re-hab centers to figure out that he in fact did not have a substance abuse issue at all. He was suffering from a severe form of bipolar (schizoaffective disorder).
You have to dig deep on the root cause. What is visible to the world may in fact not be the real problem…
Drake’s illness was a curveball that we did not see coming. In fact, we had never imagined it even as a possibility. In this instance, I don’t think there was anything we could have done to physically prepare. However, in retrospect, I do wish that I knew it was within the realm of possible. At least then, we could have prepared ourselves emotionally for the many horrors to come.
In business and life, sometimes you have to expect the unexpected. And even if it is painful, we have to consider the worst case scenario and how we might respond. This preparation has many benefits in the middle of crisis.
Mental Illness is More Common Than We Think (and it SUCKS)
Through my research, I have learned that it is fairly common for this type of mental illness to manifest in young adults, more often men than women, and it is often triggered by a stressor like a new job, becoming a parent, or leaving home for college.
Mental illness comes in many forms and affects so many people. For lack of a better word, it absolutely SUCKS. It sucks for the family, but most of all mental illness sucks for the person afflicted. Through no fault of their own, they suffer in ways most of us cannot begin to imagine.
There is so much stigma and ignorance around mental illness in our society. Because of this Drake was also often in denial that he had it. He never stopped fighting, but he never wanted to fully admit or accept that he had a serious medical condition.
As a business leader, I have learned to speak openly with my team about my son’s experience and the importance of mental health in general. The more I listen and share, the more I have come to realize the far-reaching impacts of mental illness in our society. It touches almost every one of us in some way.
It is okay to talk about mental illness.
It is okay to take a mental health day.
It is okay to admit you need help.
You are not alone.
Live Each Day to the Fullest
All of this reinforces the old truism that life is so very short.
Most of us take our daily lives for granted. For the last six years of his life, most days were a hard struggle for Drake. I hope my writing today will serve as a reminder to be thankful, to love one another, and live each day to the fullest. That is truly what Drake tried to do.
I am thankful for my wife, my other son, my family, my friends, and my work colleagues. I am also thankful for my health, and the opportunity I have been given to lead a great company.
Each day, I try to do something positive that expresses my gratitude for my life and all the people in it.
Remain Optimistic
Everything good in life is worth fighting for.
The summer before his senior year of high school, I went with my son to a traveling lacrosse team tryout. These were top players who had been invited from all around the San Francisco Bay Area, all of whom wanted to play lacrosse in college.
Drake was thin and wiry, most of them were huge. When we arrived, he took one look at the assembled players, turned to me, and told me he wanted to go home.
I shared with him that it was an honor to be invited, and then said one of those dumb dad things you regret as soon as you say them: “If it doesn’t hurt you, it will make you stronger.” I said, “It’s not the size of the fight the man is in, but the size of the fight in the man.”
He geared up, ran onto the field, and had a great tryout.
It proved to be a memorable day for both of us.
In some of his darkest moments over the last several years of his life, Drake repeated that story back to me…I think it was his way of reminding me, and himself, that he still had fight left in him.
He was optimistic that he could beat the disease. What neither of us realized was that nobody could.
As a leader, I always try to remain positive and convey my optimism. If I am being honest with myself, I have to admit that my view has shifted somewhat, I now lean towards being cautiously optimistic. My operating mantra is to trust, but also verify. And every plan, no matter how well conceived, should also have a contingency plan B.
Be Actively Empathetic
Empathy can be defined as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.
There were many times when we struggled to understand what Drake was doing, or why he was saying the things he was. It took a while (in retrospect, much longer than it should have) for me to realize that he was just living his reality. Everything he was thinking and doing, no matter how illogical or delusional it appeared to the rest of the world, was very real and logical to him.
Even if I did not agree with him, I had to accept that it was his reality.
I have learned that the old adage to “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes” before you judge them, or try to help them, is profoundly useful in so many personal and work situations.
Looking at the world from someone else’s perspective is hugely helpful to both understand, and communicate better.
As a leader, I try to have the grace to accept that someone might have a different opinion, or just be having a worse day than me.
Have High Expectations, But Be Realistic
The biggest mistake I made as a parent, and the one I regret the most, was over-estimating Drake’s capability to overcome the challenges of his illness. Moreover, by extension, how much I was under-estimating its severity and debilitating impacts.
Expectations are situational. They must be in the context of what is realistically possible, and must consider both the individual and the operating environment.
As a leader, I have learned not to expect miracles. My role is to provide the resources, support and coaching, while removing as many obstacles as I can for my team. However, I should never expect someone to do more than they are capable of, or more than the situation allows.
Give as much scope as they can handle. But not so much that they fail.
Expecting the impossible to happen is setting up disappointment.
Err On the Side of Being Generous
One day we took Drake’s broken bicycle to the shop and had it repaired. When we asked him the next week how it was working, he replied, “I gave it away to a homeless person who I felt needed it more than I did.”
I was angry at the time, but should have seen the bigger picture. It is hard to be angry at someone with such a generous heart.
In the days since his passing, we have heard many stories about his kind and loving attitude. From petting every single dog he walked by, to saving a dying and abandoned plant he found on the sidewalk, to enthusiastically fist-bumping and greeting homeless people on the street, to literally giving away his last dollar to someone who needed a meal.
Life is much richer and more rewarding when you have a bias towards being generous. Even when you are having a miserable day, it always feels better to help someone else.
Live. Love.
One of the last times I saw him, Drake proudly told me that he had gotten two tattoos and asked if I would like to see them. He shared that a neighbor of his was training to become a tattoo artist and Drake had volunteered that he could practice on him.
At this point, I was thinking to myself that this might not end up well, but I gamely said that yes, I would like to see his new tattoos.
He then lifted up his long lacrosse shorts to reveal a bunch of upside down and backwards letters inked across his upper thighs. I was squinting, trying to read them, and Drake clearly saw the confusion on my face.
He then explained, “Dad, it says ‘Live. Love.’ – The letters are facing me, so that any time I need a reminder, I just have to look down.”
“Live. Love.”
So simple. So pure. So profound…
This has become my new motto. It is how I choose to live my life.
Live. Love.
Final Thoughts
My dear son, Drake, was a rare loving soul whose bright light was extinguished far too soon. We are deeply saddened that the world will never get a chance to know him as we did, or benefit from his contribution. Nor will we get to see him grow into adulthood, launch his career, or start a family.
There is nothing like life and death to put things into perspective. I have learned that most of the stressful things in my daily life really are not that important. I am learning to ignore the small stuff, and focus on the big rocks.
I have so much love for my son, and cherish the time we had with him. There is no question that through his actions and struggles while alive, he has made me a better person.
My wife and I, and our older son, have a huge hole in our hearts. One that we hope someday to patch up and fill with purpose and meaning in honor of Drake and the challenges he faced.
For those that have read this far, I do have one small request.
For the rest of the day, I ask that you will choose to “Live. Love.” In memory of Drake.
I love you, and God bless.
-Kimball
PS – If this article has touched you in any meaningful way, please share it. And please consider helping others who are suffering from the many forms of mental illness and the common companion impacts of substance abuse and homelessness. If you don’t know of a local organization to support, I can highly recommend Transitions-Mental Health Association (www.t-mha.org) – their dedicated and caring team made a big difference in Drake’s life, and so many others.
NOTE: For those who are more curious about Drake’s life, we created a life tribute website with more photos, some poems he wrote, and a video of the service we held in his honor. Here’s the link: Drake Norup